Thallium Stallions

This shirt is Thallium Stallions. What caught my eye about this shirt wasn't the image or the name, it was the Cardinal Health logo on the sleeve of the shirt. Now why would a what appears to be a band shirt have a sponsor on it like Cardinal Health. Then you think, well, maybe it isn't a band t-shirt. Thallium, symbol TI and atomic number 81, is a highly toxic poor metal, used to poison everything from insects to anyone who puts you in their will. A stallion is a horse that still has its balls. The truth about this highly poisons horse with a sex driven dominant behavior and its ties with Cardinal Health is that it is a band shirt. Thallium Stallions are, in fact, a ratioactive metal rock and roll, or "hot" metal. The band members of this band are all in nuclear medicine and members of the Society of Nuclear Medicine. The SNM had this to say about them, "If you did not see them at the June 2006 national SNM meeting, you are in for a wonderful treat." With reviews like that who wouldn't want to see them. So this shirt belonged to a SNM member (since they only play at the annual meetings) and is probably giving me cancer.

Buddy Breathing

This shirt is from a place called Portage Quarry Recreation Club Inc., which is in Bowling Green. They are in fact a scuba diving facility, though their methods of buddy breathing seem questionable both morally and physically. The only other thing that it odder than their breathing techniques is the fact that there's a scuba diving club in Bowling Green, Ohio.

Mystic Pizza

I bought this "world famous" shirt when I stopped at a random thrift store while lost in Indiana on my way to Chicago. This shirt actually comes from Mystic Pizza in Mystic, CT. The Zelepos family bought the pizza shop in 1973, but it didn't become famous until 1988. A Los Angeles screen writer named Amy Jones vacationed in Mystic and was inspired by the town and pizza shop to write the classic film "Mystic Pizza" starring Julia Roberts. If you haven't seen it or ever heard or it, like me, it's a romantic comedy with Julia Roberts and a waitress in a pizza parlor, you can fill in the rest yourselves. Needless to say, the restaurant became quite popular, they now have multiple locations, a frozen foods line, and "world famous" shirts. Now, most people would like to think that Julia Roberts was the original owner of this shirt, but it's most likely a guy who went to Mystic Pizza while on vacation. He liked the food and decided to buy a shirt to remember the delicious food, and as a reminder to go rent "Mystic Pizza" because he had never seen it before. After watching it, he was so disgusted with himself he went crazy and disappeared, he's thought to be dead. After awhile the family just gave his clothes away. It's might have been owned by a number of people, who all suffered the same fate. Now I am kind of curious about the movie myself, but I like the shirt too much to risk ended up like the other guys. It's like "The Ring," you watch the tape because you're curious and don't think anything bad can happen, but after you see it, you can't unsee it and you ultimately die. This is a cursed shirted and I am scared.

The Black Lobster

So, I tried to find something out about this shirt. It has an image of a black lobster on the front and small text on the back that reads, "The Black Lobster, Maine." I typed this in and I found a lot of crap about various things. The Black Lobster is a fantasy game book, it's a crappy band based off of a made-up lobster murder, and apparently black lobster is completely safe to eat. The original owner is a mystery as is the shirt. It's one of my favorites and I think I like it to be a mystery, and I really don't want to find out that it is from the crappy band.

Official State Flower

All I can say about this one is that the original owner either knows a lot about the Ohio roads and their ability to hold millions of these construction barrels and was trying to make a sarcastic remark about our everyday plight, or he knows nothing about flowers.

Greetings From Hell

This is a shirt of a postcard sending greetings out to all from Hell. It was given to Jesus by Satan in 1999 as a peace offering, just in time to eliminate the threat of the apocalypse at Y2K. A few months later Jesus grew tired of the novelty of the shirt and gave it away. It eventually ended up in my hands and I was wearing out one day and Satan saw me and started demanding me to tell him where I had obtained this shirt. When he found out I bought it at a thrift store he stormed off in tears. I called Jesus and told him what happened. He raced over to pick me up on his Ninja motorcycled to help him look for Satan. After a few laps around the city we found him on a bridge threating to jump. Satan was hysterical about the shirt, saying that it was a symbol of their love and he had no right to give it away. Jesus went on to explain that the shirt wasn't his style (Jesus wears button-ups), and that their love was worth more than shirt, it was worth heaven and hell colliding in a explosion of fiery hedonism. Satan paused and then slowing stepped away from the edge.
Jesus and Satan hugged for a while with Third Eye Blind's "Jumper" playing in the background. There was a long crane-shot zoom-out and a smooth fade to black.

I "Heart" Porn

You know what? I changed my mind. I don't want to know who originally owned this.

Baraboo, Wisconsin

Baraboo, Wisconsin is about 430 miles away from the thrift this shirt was bought. It may not seem like a very interesting shirt but Baraboo has some history. Aside from being the home of Devils Lake and the International Crane Foundation, it is also the home the Circus World Museum. This museum is on the same spot the original Ringling Brothers Circus headquarters had been. They have preserved over 200 circus carts (which I think is a great cause), and has the largest library of circus information. Now, the fact that this shirt is of a lake view with some deer in it leads me to believe that the original owner enjoys going to Devils Lake and seeing all the cool wildlife and rock formations, but the bright pastel colors used in the lake view with deer makes me think it was a retired circus clown. If we combine those two theories we get an old, outdoors enthusiast clown, who travels with 20 other camping clowns in a small VW Beetle. I only hope that I never have a run-in with these makeup mountain men, I'll battle with lions, tigers, and bears, but the second I run into 20 clowns in the middle of the forest I'd just have to throw myself off a cliff only because it would have to be better than what they would do to me. Fuck clowns!

A good hump is hard to find

This is one the shirts that I was excited to do because it says exactly where it came from and yet I have no idea what it is about. It has two camels fornicating in hats with clovers sticking out of them, which I guess makes them Irish, with the clever slogan, "A good hump is hard to find." Then after seeing the front and you think, "you know, a good hump is hard to find." Little did you know that the same shirt that announces there is a tough search for a good hump also ends that same search, letting you know that the person in this shirt is, in fact, the "Best Hump in Town!" So where would this shirt of truth have come from and what is an Irish Camel?
The Irish Camel Ltd. is a Mexican restaurant/pub in Park City, Utah. This makes even less sense than the shirt itself, which makes me like it even more. The original owner must of liked to ski/snowboard and drink weak 3.2% beer in Utah and was, obviously, at one point the best hump in town. So it was a hunchbacked ski-bum that enjoyed Mexican food, weak beer, and fornicating camels, I would like to meet him.

Morris the Cat

This is a shirt of Morris the Cat, the beloved mascot of the 9Lives Brand cat food. Being a quick-witted finicky cat means you have lots of fans. But I did find out that Morris befriended Burt Reynolds on the set of Shamus back in 73. Burt was always a big fan of Morris and was delighted to meet him; they moved in together. After a few years Morris, now unemployed and an alcoholic, attacked Burt in a fit of jealously for his career. Burt kicked him out of his life after that. I believe this shirt belonged to Burt, but he gave it away to forget and let go. I own a piece of Burt Reynolds heart, and it's in the same of a kitty.