Thallium Stallions

This shirt is Thallium Stallions. What caught my eye about this shirt wasn't the image or the name, it was the Cardinal Health logo on the sleeve of the shirt. Now why would a what appears to be a band shirt have a sponsor on it like Cardinal Health. Then you think, well, maybe it isn't a band t-shirt. Thallium, symbol TI and atomic number 81, is a highly toxic poor metal, used to poison everything from insects to anyone who puts you in their will. A stallion is a horse that still has its balls. The truth about this highly poisons horse with a sex driven dominant behavior and its ties with Cardinal Health is that it is a band shirt. Thallium Stallions are, in fact, a ratioactive metal rock and roll, or "hot" metal. The band members of this band are all in nuclear medicine and members of the Society of Nuclear Medicine. The SNM had this to say about them, "If you did not see them at the June 2006 national SNM meeting, you are in for a wonderful treat." With reviews like that who wouldn't want to see them. So this shirt belonged to a SNM member (since they only play at the annual meetings) and is probably giving me cancer.

Buddy Breathing

This shirt is from a place called Portage Quarry Recreation Club Inc., which is in Bowling Green. They are in fact a scuba diving facility, though their methods of buddy breathing seem questionable both morally and physically. The only other thing that it odder than their breathing techniques is the fact that there's a scuba diving club in Bowling Green, Ohio.

Mystic Pizza

I bought this "world famous" shirt when I stopped at a random thrift store while lost in Indiana on my way to Chicago. This shirt actually comes from Mystic Pizza in Mystic, CT. The Zelepos family bought the pizza shop in 1973, but it didn't become famous until 1988. A Los Angeles screen writer named Amy Jones vacationed in Mystic and was inspired by the town and pizza shop to write the classic film "Mystic Pizza" starring Julia Roberts. If you haven't seen it or ever heard or it, like me, it's a romantic comedy with Julia Roberts and a waitress in a pizza parlor, you can fill in the rest yourselves. Needless to say, the restaurant became quite popular, they now have multiple locations, a frozen foods line, and "world famous" shirts. Now, most people would like to think that Julia Roberts was the original owner of this shirt, but it's most likely a guy who went to Mystic Pizza while on vacation. He liked the food and decided to buy a shirt to remember the delicious food, and as a reminder to go rent "Mystic Pizza" because he had never seen it before. After watching it, he was so disgusted with himself he went crazy and disappeared, he's thought to be dead. After awhile the family just gave his clothes away. It's might have been owned by a number of people, who all suffered the same fate. Now I am kind of curious about the movie myself, but I like the shirt too much to risk ended up like the other guys. It's like "The Ring," you watch the tape because you're curious and don't think anything bad can happen, but after you see it, you can't unsee it and you ultimately die. This is a cursed shirted and I am scared.

The Black Lobster

So, I tried to find something out about this shirt. It has an image of a black lobster on the front and small text on the back that reads, "The Black Lobster, Maine." I typed this in and I found a lot of crap about various things. The Black Lobster is a fantasy game book, it's a crappy band based off of a made-up lobster murder, and apparently black lobster is completely safe to eat. The original owner is a mystery as is the shirt. It's one of my favorites and I think I like it to be a mystery, and I really don't want to find out that it is from the crappy band.

Official State Flower

All I can say about this one is that the original owner either knows a lot about the Ohio roads and their ability to hold millions of these construction barrels and was trying to make a sarcastic remark about our everyday plight, or he knows nothing about flowers.

Greetings From Hell

This is a shirt of a postcard sending greetings out to all from Hell. It was given to Jesus by Satan in 1999 as a peace offering, just in time to eliminate the threat of the apocalypse at Y2K. A few months later Jesus grew tired of the novelty of the shirt and gave it away. It eventually ended up in my hands and I was wearing out one day and Satan saw me and started demanding me to tell him where I had obtained this shirt. When he found out I bought it at a thrift store he stormed off in tears. I called Jesus and told him what happened. He raced over to pick me up on his Ninja motorcycled to help him look for Satan. After a few laps around the city we found him on a bridge threating to jump. Satan was hysterical about the shirt, saying that it was a symbol of their love and he had no right to give it away. Jesus went on to explain that the shirt wasn't his style (Jesus wears button-ups), and that their love was worth more than shirt, it was worth heaven and hell colliding in a explosion of fiery hedonism. Satan paused and then slowing stepped away from the edge.
Jesus and Satan hugged for a while with Third Eye Blind's "Jumper" playing in the background. There was a long crane-shot zoom-out and a smooth fade to black.

I "Heart" Porn

You know what? I changed my mind. I don't want to know who originally owned this.

Baraboo, Wisconsin

Baraboo, Wisconsin is about 430 miles away from the thrift this shirt was bought. It may not seem like a very interesting shirt but Baraboo has some history. Aside from being the home of Devils Lake and the International Crane Foundation, it is also the home the Circus World Museum. This museum is on the same spot the original Ringling Brothers Circus headquarters had been. They have preserved over 200 circus carts (which I think is a great cause), and has the largest library of circus information. Now, the fact that this shirt is of a lake view with some deer in it leads me to believe that the original owner enjoys going to Devils Lake and seeing all the cool wildlife and rock formations, but the bright pastel colors used in the lake view with deer makes me think it was a retired circus clown. If we combine those two theories we get an old, outdoors enthusiast clown, who travels with 20 other camping clowns in a small VW Beetle. I only hope that I never have a run-in with these makeup mountain men, I'll battle with lions, tigers, and bears, but the second I run into 20 clowns in the middle of the forest I'd just have to throw myself off a cliff only because it would have to be better than what they would do to me. Fuck clowns!

A good hump is hard to find

This is one the shirts that I was excited to do because it says exactly where it came from and yet I have no idea what it is about. It has two camels fornicating in hats with clovers sticking out of them, which I guess makes them Irish, with the clever slogan, "A good hump is hard to find." Then after seeing the front and you think, "you know, a good hump is hard to find." Little did you know that the same shirt that announces there is a tough search for a good hump also ends that same search, letting you know that the person in this shirt is, in fact, the "Best Hump in Town!" So where would this shirt of truth have come from and what is an Irish Camel?
The Irish Camel Ltd. is a Mexican restaurant/pub in Park City, Utah. This makes even less sense than the shirt itself, which makes me like it even more. The original owner must of liked to ski/snowboard and drink weak 3.2% beer in Utah and was, obviously, at one point the best hump in town. So it was a hunchbacked ski-bum that enjoyed Mexican food, weak beer, and fornicating camels, I would like to meet him.

Morris the Cat

This is a shirt of Morris the Cat, the beloved mascot of the 9Lives Brand cat food. Being a quick-witted finicky cat means you have lots of fans. But I did find out that Morris befriended Burt Reynolds on the set of Shamus back in 73. Burt was always a big fan of Morris and was delighted to meet him; they moved in together. After a few years Morris, now unemployed and an alcoholic, attacked Burt in a fit of jealously for his career. Burt kicked him out of his life after that. I believe this shirt belonged to Burt, but he gave it away to forget and let go. I own a piece of Burt Reynolds heart, and it's in the same of a kitty.

NASA

To keep in the theme of the last post, I have a shirt with a rocket on the ground. This shirt is from NASA and a rocket scientist owned it, enough said.

Balloons in Space!

While researching where exactly this shirt came from I found out a few things. Since the year 2000, NASA has been working on "space balloons," or balloons that are used to carry instruments and cameras through space and close to various surfaces. I also found out that in 2001 two Englishmen, Andy Elson and Colin Prescot, attempted to set the world altitude record in a manned balloon. They sat in an open gondola that had an emergency parachute to save them in case something went array. They could not launch because of weather, then they tried again in 2003 and canceled for the same reason as before. The record is still held by Americans
Malcolm D. Ross and Victor E. Prather. So this shirt would have to have been some kind of way to raise money for such causes as riding a balloon up into the atmosphere. This shirt was owned by someone who truly believed in this cause and wanted to prove to the world that there is air in space and an universal gravitational pull that will keep the balloon inflated and the rider in the basket. I sport this shirt to remind people of these pioneers and their endless stubborn pursuit to debunk the facts. Who needs rockets when you're full of hot air.

In case you wanted to see what it would be like in ride up into the atmosphere on a balloon go here. http://balloons.space.edu/habp/project_4/airphotos.html

Oh Ssshit!

This shirt has a typical Florida palm tree pattern but it also has a little cartoon character about to get ripped to shreds by a group of 5 gigantic sharks in a Jaws manner. The cartoon character is aware of his imminent painful demise and his final words to the world is, "oh ssshit!" This playfully morbid shirt came Key Largo, Florida, 1,378 miles from where I was purchased it. Key Largo, at 33 miles long, is the largest of the Florida Keys, the northernmost of the Keys. It has the self-proclaimed title "Diving Capital of the World" with fishing, kayaking, and amusing shirts. This shirt is is possibly referring to a gangster style "whack," which is obviously a tribute to Key Largo the great film noir by John Huston about gangsters and hurricanes. The original owner of this shirt would have to at least an amateur scuba diver with a taste for the classic 1940's-50's crime dramas, a film student on spring break possibly, but most likely a retiree with an RV.

Cover me, I'm going in!

I got this shirt while I was working at a homeless shelter with my high school, it was in the donation bin and the staff said they weren't going to give it to any of people and I should just throw it out. By "throw out" I thought they meant "put in your book bag." It's hard to find out where this came from because it was in a donation bin, but I did find a a website that sells remakes of it, (www.retroduck.com). So I can guess that it is an original, and that the original owner practiced safe sex and thought people at the homeless shelter should have it. I have had this shirt for 5 years, have only worn it out 3 times but I just can't part with it, especially now knowing it is an original retro shirt.

Puffin With Pride

I bought this in Toledo yet again and Kodiak, Alaska is about 4,200 miles away, this item had quite a trip. Kodiak is on, surprise, Kodiak Island, which is an island on the south side of Alaska. It is also referred to as "Alaska's Emerald Isle." Known for the Kodiak Crab Festival. The community there can get food from subsistence techniques or by going down to the local Wal-Mart. Peterson Elementary is a K-6 school with an average of 30 students in grades K-5 and a whopping 84 students in the 6th grade. The reason for this might be that none of the students graduate, because they are all "Puffin with Pride." With a slogan like that I can only image what their bake sales are like. So I am guessing this shirt came from a 18 year old 6th grade stoner that for some reason moved to Toledo, Ohio. Sorry about your luck there, bud.

I'm not Herb

I'm pretty proud of this one because it was the "most elaborate advertising flop of the decade (80's)," as stated by Advertising Age magazine. It is from Burger King's "Where's Herb?" campaign from '85-'86. Burger King started randomly asking, "Where's Herb," in their commercials. The customers were suppose to look for Herb, not knowing what he looked liked, and if they found him they would have won $5,000. The fact that they didn't know was to create a debate between people over what Herb looked liked; Burger King only gave hints like, "I'm not Herb because I eat at Burger King." So the customers are suppose to look for Herb but Herb doesn't eat at Burger King, so neither did the customers. The reaction wasn't an exciting curiosity but more of a confused hatred, which lead to small riots in Burger King fighting over who Herb was, because no one had anything better to do in the 80's. After much failure BK revealed that Herb was a nerdy geek in a small suit, taped glasses, and so on. The message that was completely lost on everyone was that Herb was a geek because he never ate a Whooper, most people thought that the message was Burger King was what geeks ate. So Burger King asked the customers to come in, get some food, and try to find someone who doesn't eat there. I would like to believe that Burger King did this just to see if people were dumb enough to do it (fortunately, people were), like an Andy Kaufman act or something, but the fact that they wasted $40 million on it makes me think that they are the dumb ones. Herb might be a geek for not eating at Burger King, but he'll sure as hell live a lot longer than the cool people eating there.

Miles City

Miles City, Montana is 1,345 miles away from Toledo, and it is the home of the world famous Miles City Bucking Horse Sale. It is also the home of Denise Nickerson, who portrayed Violet Beauregarde from the 1971 version of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. That's about it on Miles City.
A interesting thing about this shirt happened when I wore it to class one day down here in Columbus. I get to class and someone looks at my shirt...
Guy- "You ever been to Miles City!"
Me- "No, I got this from a thrift store."
Guy- "I went there with my family once when I was little and it was boring. My parents bought that same shirt for me when we were there, but I haven't seen it in years, I think my mom got rid of it."
Me- "Really, well, this one came from a store up in Toledo."
Guy- "Oh, I'm from Toledo too... That's my shirt!"
Me- "Holy shit... You want it back?"
Guy- "Nah, you keep it, I don't think it would fit me anyway."

That was the last thing he said. So, a child obtained this shirt 1,345 miles away, wore for most of his childhood and it was given away a few years ago. After awhile and possibly a few other owners it finds its way to me. Then I start attending classes at OSU, which 150 miles away from where I bought it, and I end up where that shirt to one of those classes. Then I end up sitting next to a random guy in a big lecture class, and that random guy was the true original owner of this shirt from years ago! It has since been my lucky shirt.

Sandusky Bay Layout Shooting

Sandusky Bay is a body of muddy water just south of Lake Erie and Cedar point and 55 miles away from Toledo, where it was bought. Layout shooting is a form of duck hunting where a hunter uses a kayak covered in grass, called a layout blind, to hide himself. This is then surrounded by hundreds of decoys. He uses a duck call, waits for them to show up, jumps out, and shoots them. Imagine peek-a-boo but with guns. According to the U.S. Department of Interiors, a 1985 waterfowl breeding surveys found duck numbers the lowest in 30 years, which postponed the duck hunting season.
For someone to be proud of surviving this, the original owner would have be one of the hunted, which, in this case, is a duck. This duck would also have to be pretty large to fit in it and a highly intelligent duck to understand English and the humor this shirt expresses. So this shirt once belonged to giant, educated duck!

Anchor Swan

This shirt came from a thrift store in Toledo, but actually comes from 94 miles away in the town known as Bucyrus, Ohio. There isn't too much to say about Bucyrus because there's not much there, though Anchor Swan is located there. In case you can't figure out what this company does from there name or well designed logo, I shall enlighten you. They make and sell garden hoses, mostly. You may actually own one of these hoses, but under the name Swan Hoses.
So who would have given this shirt to the thrift store? Well, it was an employee of the company, and I can only assume that person was a pimp because this person is obviously an expert in hose.

Dead Creek Saloon

This shirt is a good start because it basically tells me where it came from, but what of this Dead Creek Saloon and Frankenmuth, Michigan. I purchased this shirt from Savers in Toledo, Ohio, which is 131 miles away from Frankenmuth. The city of Frankenmuth, or "Michigan's Little Bavaria," is a wholesome little tourist stop, with claims like "over 300 million visitors annually" from their visitor website. It's a village with the beauty of tacky fake Bavarian architecture combined the excitement of being in Michigan. Being a "Little Bavaria" means it has plenty of beer and establishments to drink it in. With so much alcohol, it is no wonder that several bars were fined and smashed during the Prohibition Era for selling homemade beer and wine. Those martyred bars died defending our right to party.
The Dead Creek Saloon, or Tim's Dead Creek Saloon, was a bit harder to find information on but I did find a few interesting things. First off, some famous visitors include Joan Rivers and Pat Paulson, the comedian who ran for President in 1968. Some food favorites are their 1/2 lbs. burger and all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner. If you are wondering about the quality of the establishment, here is the only review I found for the Dead Creek Saloon:

"The place is a dive, the food sucks and it is by far the worst place to dine in Frankenmuth. What ever happened to the German obieance. This place is for the birds. Take the roof off, let the birds dwell there along with the adjoining city's lowlifes. This is not the place to be, eat or drink. To say it lightly, IT SUCKS!!!!"

It's not the best review to have but it did come from a person who thinks you spell "ambiance" obieance. Though, he does bring up a good point, why is a bar in "Michigan's Little Bavaria" called Dead Creek Saloon with a covered wagon as its logo. In the end, I can conclude that my shirt is mostly likely from Joan Rivers, Pat Paulson, or any of the lowlifes from Frankenmuth's adjoining cities. I personally hope it was Joan Rivers' shirt.